Adger House

I have been with my boyfriend going on 7 years now. We met in high school when I was a freshman and he a sophomore. I am 21 and he is 22. We had the most incredible relationship in the beginning. Everything was absolutely perfect! We took to each others interests, were intimate (all of the time), never really fought and when we did we were able to work it out, etc.

Somewhere a long the line our relationship went downhill. Now we are to the point where we fight all of the time and are both miserable. I get mad at him for the littlest things, I am always frustrated, and I am unhappy almost all of the time. We get in huge fights a lot of the time. In March, we had a very very serious fight that lasted almost a month. I find myself getting depressed more and more often as time goes on. Every time I am upset and try to talk to him about our problems, he huffs and puffs and says he does not want to talk about it. If we finally do talk about it, he always turns it around on me. For example, he says that he does what he does because of how I act. (which what he does is play games and not spend time with me)

The things that he does really bother me. He is constantly playing this game on his phone called Lords Mobile. He has been playing it since December 2016. He is extremely into the game and won’t put it down so that we can have a regular conversation and if he does put it down it is only after I beg him for 5 minutes or more. Even then he won’t put it down for very long. He’s on that game communicating with people more than he communicates with me. When he is on his game, he will promise that he is listening to me so that we can continue our conversation. I will talk for maybe about 2 minutes and then I will pause and wait for a response and he hadn’t heard anything I said. This is an ongoing occurrence. He also does not care about his health or the way he looks. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants and drinks so many drinks with sugar in them. He also never works out. This is something that I find horribly unattractive.

I have been thinking about what I want to do for my home because people have been telling me that I should make my back yard a bit more of a collaboration area. There’s actually a good space back there but I haven’t really done anything to make it look nice or to make a little garden area where we can all relax and hang when I have friends over. It’s just some grass and really it’s not even that nice, I should probably get it looked at. But really, I would like to have a place where I can have people over and we can go back there and have a little gathering outside rather than having to be inside.

There are a few people in my neighborhood that have these nice little back yard areas and I want to do something like that. I think that I would get some chairs, maybe some benches, and cast iron garden furniture so that people would have a place to put their food. I really want to get one of those places set up where when you think about being outside for a cool little party with your friends, that is what you think of. Of course, I have no idea really how to do that so I’m going to continue to check out websites and see what i can find. I’m probably looking at doing this in the main area of my back yard, but without actually showing a picture here it would be hard to describe. There is an area with some rocks and then the rest of the back yard is grass and I want to get all the furniture and stuff set up in up near the house so that we can get to it close from the back door. The only other thing I have been thinking about putting back there is a little camp fire thing but I don’t even know if those are legal. I think that we could use it to cook some food and it would be a fun alternative to some of the other things you can do. I’m not even really sure you can get those here and you might not even know what I’m talking about. I like having people over, though, so I want to make sure that they have some stuff to do when they are here and I think that by changing up my back yard it might help accomplish that. It would also make it seem a bit more open and there would be some more places to go back there.

Many of my friends are into photography.  I don’t know the first thing about it, really.  The only pictures I take are the ones I take on my cell phone, and I think it has a pretty good camera but I’m sure the photographers who are all into cameras and stuff would disagree.  I don’t know the difference between a good photo and a bad one.  There is one way I tell if I think it’s good or not, and that is do I like the photo?  If yes, then it’s probably decent.  And if not, then it’s not.  It’s the same way with any  art.  I know there are ways to tell if a picture is good or not but I don’t concern myself with all of that.  Now, all of that being said, I was actually reading a bit about photography the other day and I started to get interested in it.  I think that I might even be looking at getting a camera so I can take some pictures with something besides my cell and see if I like th e way they turn out.  There are a few lenses and stuff I will probably nee dto learn about, and I want to start with  a camera that will be easy enough to use but also take good pictures, and so I was checking out some of the ones that I saw online.  I read a Nikon D7100 review and it looks like it’s pretty incredible however I don’t know if I want to spend that much money or not.  But it definitely seems like it would be able to take some good quality shots and that’s something that I want to learn more about.  It might also be a good idea for me to talk to some of my friends and see if they have any recommendations, or if they know of anything that I should keep in mind if I’m choosing  a camera.

It’s one of those things that you probably learn as you actually start getting into it, so I don’t think they could just tell me the stuff that I would need to know now.  I might also see what kinds of cameras they have and even though they are probably pretty high quality cameras, they might give me some idea as to what I should look at, or what I should avoid.  I just want to make sure I get one that will work for me and be able to do all the stuff I need and that won’t require me to learn how to do too much stuff all at once, although I tend to learn quickly if it’s something I enjoy.

One of the things my friends and I have been talking about is trying to find some things to do that we haven’t done but that we think would be entertaining.  One of my friends said that he has always wanted to learn to surf and when he said that the rest of us were just like “yes, yes that sounds amazing.”  But we didn’t know where you would go to learn something like that because it’s not like there are just surf schools around where they give you lessons.

My friend said he had already looked into it and apparently there are actually surf camps where you can go and they’ll teach you everything you need to know.  It is the kind of thing that would be fun, but would be really awesome with your friends, so we are going to try and plan a trip to this Costa Rica surf camp and see if we can learn to surf.

None of us has ever surfed so we really don’t know what we are getting into, but just from watching people surf it always seemed like something that would be really entertaining so we are all wanting to give it a try.  That idea was actually so good that we didn’t even bother thinking of anything else we want to do.  It all became a talk about learning to surf and how we were going to do it.  I think that one of my friends has been doing some research online and he’s going to show us some of the places where they will teach you how to surf and we’re going to pick the best one.  I’m leaning toward one that is in a nice place so that we can get a little bit of exciting adventure in, too, but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as we all go and it’s a lot of excitement.  I think that I’m also going to have to see if I can get some information about where we will be saying.  I know that some of them have hotels or resorts or whatever that they work with but I want to make sure we have a good hotel or whatever available.  I will probably be tired after trying a new sport like that and I’m going to want a place with a super comfy place to sleep!  My other friend said that he’s going to make fun of us if we fall but I’m sure he will be falling because he’s just a beginner.

I am so grateful that the relationships I have today are honest and open enough that we can share how we feel even though it might not always been fairy tale BS. If my SO was friends with an ex and spent some time together with them, I would not only expect them to have the reaction Olivia’s bf had, but I would be upset if he lied about it just to make me feel more secure. People don’t just suddenly stop desiring other people when they are in a relationship and avoiding those people or lying to ourselves and others about that desire are not the best way to deal with those things, in my opinion. Honest and open communication is.

If Olivia is having an emotional response to the situation, she should talk to her boyfriend about it, explain what she is feeling and try to figure out why she feels that way. Then they can talk together about how to best deal with each other’s feelings and if anything should change going forward.

That’s my 2 cents.

I agree with you that being honest about your feelings isn’t in itself wrong, but there are two things I can see being inappropriate here

1) him spending a lot of alone time with the ex. it’s unclear whether this was necessary for work or not, and whether she expressed her feelings before the trip

2) the way he expressed his feelings to her. there’s a big difference between going ‘I actually kinda wish she’d made a move on me, might have been fun’ and ‘I know it sounds bad, and I even feel a bit guilty, but part of me does wish that my ex had made a move’. again unclear

So Olivia, could you clarify on the above? did he spend time with his ex that he didn’t need to for work reasons, and had you told him beforehand that you were uncomfortable with him doing that? when he told you that he was disappointed nothing happened, how did he do it – like a jerk who doesn’t care about your feelings or like someone who’s guilty for even feeling it but felt compelled to be totally honest?

It’s a process. You won’t get this “right” anymore than anything else you approach through the eyes and mind of ambition. Simply being as you are, won’t be accomplished just because you intellectually choose it. However, if you hold in your mind that your goal is to serve yourself in being happy, in influencing others in positive ways, and in following what you really care about — eventually you’ll begin to act those feelings and thoughts out.

Be yourself, seriously, because those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter. The only one whose opinion of you matters is, yours. You’ll build character and happiness by focusing on that, not the frets, strings, or chords you play.

I write music, and I’m not very good, but what I do play is sincere, and that moves people. People say “Nice job, you are good” — I’m good, because I’m me, not because my music is better than others they’ve heard.

My priority is happiness, to express myself in my writing, and to sing the songs I want to sing. I don’t care if someone plays better than me, or sings better than me. I care about the simple joy I get from experiencing the process that is writing and performing my music.

People who write better than me exist, and I love listening to them, if their music is sincere and speaks to me. I learn from them, and who I am grows. I envy them, but only in the way a child envies an adult who can reach a door knob. I know I’ll grow in my own time to open the doors, and I love that.

I do, and I hope you understand what I am saying. You are clearly a smart individual who has made foolish mistakes, but mistakes are inevitable. Failure does not exist, only results. If you base your identity off what you are skilled at or not skilled at, you will always feel inferior. You must accept that you’re a human being, that you are one among many, and that you have a lot to offer, but so does everyone else. Whether you’re 5 years old, or 90 years old — you have something to share that will educate or illuminate something another did not know or had not experienced.

One day I was watching my nephew playing on the floor during a family gathering. He took the matchbox cars and “zooom zooomed” them, running them across the floor like bumper cars. I watched him carefully and asked him “What did you do yesterday?” — he then asked me “Why?” I said “Why not?” He laughed and continued to play.

I realized at that moment, that this child grasps the concept I’m sharing with you, better than many adults I know. The past is gone, along with our mistakes and our illusions of failure. We’re here now, and that is that.

He smiled and began crashing the cars into each other, watching as they spun and collided like pool balls. I asked him “What are you doing tomorrow?” And he said “I don’t know.”

Once again, illuminating a point which seriously consumes so many people. He’s uninterested in neither the past nor the future. He doesn’t know. Do you know? Do you have all the answers? Then you are incompetent. You are limited, finite, and bound by rules. You will never be more than the sum of what you are now at any given moment in your life.

Do you really want to live your life like you’re immortal or do you want to join us in enjoying your life, learning, and growing in relationships, and in your knowledge for the mere motivation of “because”. That’s “be-cause.”

I’m very competitive– every time I put my mind into something, I always want to be #1, no matter what it is.

An example. I started playing guitar in my first year of high school, and I’m a senior right now. I thought I was doing pretty alright (I can play jazz, classical, electric guitar), then a day or two ago, I jammed with a couple of sophomores, and their lead guitarist wiped the floor with me with his licks. I just left then and there, making up some stupid excuse so that I could get out of there.

Felt bad after that– I know, I overreacted. But really, I don’t like it when someone gets ahead of me in something. I even quit Classical guitar because my cousin got ahead of me after doing it for six months.

I was pondering on it a couple of hours ago, and I figured that I have this idea that when you’ve been doing something longer than somebody else, you should be better than him/her. A ‘seniority’ complex, I guess.

Can anyone help me? Give me some advice so that I don’t go off feeling incompetent whenever someone gets ahead? I really don’t like feeling like a loser when it comes to things like this.

Let me just say, I’m pretty shy when it comes to meeting new people, especially when I find the person attractive. Its my absolute worst quality and no matter how hard I try I usually disappoint myself.

So last friday I met someone while at a party. I had seen her around before and we have some mutual friends, but we never talked. My first mistake was to tell her I knew her because I know her ex. She looked pretty disgusted when I said his name. Great.

Later on she came up and told me she was going to be my partner for beer pong. We played a couple game and then I ended up bringing her and her friend home since they were drinking and I don’t drink.

The next night I was looking for someone to go get food with late at night. She was first to respond. I eventually gave her my number but by the time she sent me a text I was almost asleep. Sunday we were texting each other a little and Monday I took her out to dinner. Wednesday we went out again and then back to her place for a bit.

Like I said I’m shy so I didn’t really open up too much. I started to get more comfortable wednesday, but I wasn’t being myself. I just hope she hasn’t already gotten bored. I know it hasn’t even been a week yet, but I do a good job at screwing things up from the beginning. We made plans this morning to hang out Monday night so I’m hoping things go a little better and I can just be myself. I don’t know the point of all this. I guess I need some advice. Its also been over 7 years since I’ve really gone on a date. I just got out of a long relationship about 8 months ago.